I laid on my bed, and stared at the ceiling as hot angry tears burned down my cheeks and pooled in my ears. Jesus peered at me from across our coffee table, and raised an eyebrow in concern. His eyes were deep today, and genuine. The light from the window glinted in them, and them seemed infinite. "How are you?" he asked. I looked down. I was angry. I was hurt. Things were impossible. Everything was impossible. All I wanted was to love him, but things were impossible. I stared angrily at my ceiling some more, coming back to my room. I inspected the tops of my closet doors, and the cobwebs in the window. I thought about random unimportant things. I came back to trying to figure out how to answer him, and another angry tear burned down my cheek. I turned away again. I'd rather not. I'd rather anything else. Maybe I didn't want Him, if this was how it was going to be. Somehow He wasn't saying anything with His mouth, but there were songs that I was hearing, songs saying things like "Just to be close to you, just to walk next to you, this is my one thing..." and "Jesus, oh how we love you, Jesus, there's no other that we desire." "I have got to have you..." "YES!" I said out loud frustratedly, and startled the air particles in my room. "Yes, I want you." (You know this.) He watched His hands swirl his empty mug around on its edge like a top on the table. My answer was abrasive, and he waited in silence. And then I decided, that I really did. I knew what anger does, and I didn't want it. It is much better to be hurt (and healed) than bitter. Yes I wanted him more. JESUS! I bursted out. J E S U S there's none other I desire. J E S U S I am ANGRY, I am hurt. J E S U S I am confused. Frustrated. JESUS I have lost hope. I have forgotten why I love you. And as soon as the words were out, I shook. I tried to cover that I had written them. I was not hiding, it was pain. I did not want Him to have those words. Those were terrible words, and they hurt him, and me like nothing else can. "I can't even remember why I love you..." I lifted my hand from covering the page, and turned away from it. It was out in open for the eyes of an all seeing God, and I did not want to look at it. I wept. Oh my dear dear Papa how could I forget us? How did I get here? Perhaps I could imagine a child saying this to a parent in a messy moment, or even one spouse to another, though so very hurtful, but it didn't even come close this bitterness. My sweet Jesus, who was only ever gentle, just and kind, who had all the good things for me, and the most pure intentions, the one who knew me and had, the one who had never walked away. The one who even still, let me scour His entirety with my skeptical eyes until I was satisfied, half of Him wincing in pain that I could think that He might not be for me, and the other half of him unafraid- saying "look all you want dear, you won't find fear or doubt, insecurity or pain in me." "I have forgotten why I love you..." He looked up, and blinked. He nodded silently, taking it for what it was. He met my eyes and swallowed. His mug was empty but He did not get up and leave. He did not even want to. I wept. I faced the wall on the corner of my bed in a ball. And I was astounded. He took it! He took it. He knew it was coming when he asked how I was! It was why He asked. He knew it was poisoning my stomach and that I needed to vomit it out, but He didn't even guard himself from me at all when He asked how I was. Instead He left his heart out to be wounded. WHO AM I OH GOD, that you would set aside your magnitude and humble yourself to be insulted and even wounded for the sake of my health and my spiritual well being? Who am I that you would come and enter my world to sit across from me at a coffee shop, to know me, to love me, and to make sure my stomach is alright...knowing that I would reject you? Who am I that you love me? (Enough to die for me?) Astounded. He is a humble God. He did not keep his heart or his care or his wholeness from me when he asked me how I was, even knowing the price of his vulnerable heart. Instead he gazed at me intently over the cup which he had already drank. Astounded. He drank the cup of the punishment, the pain and wretched things that come of sin and a fallen world, when He died on the cross, and now today, he still drinks the cup on our behalf. It was gone before I spoke. He is the same as He has always been, which means the power and the magnitude of everything that happened around that cross, is still so so very alive today and moving on our behalf. What a consistent God. He drank the cup today, and left his heart open and vulnerable, He drank the cup on the cross and left his body open and vulnerable, visible on a very tangible level to the whole world, his laceration. He did it for the sake of togetherness. Oh to learn relationship from the God who created it. Togetherness is the core of our God, to know and be known, to love and be loved. And nothing stops him. Nothing can keep him away. Not even vomit. I've never known a love like this. Intimacy means holding nothing back. Jesus doesn't even want us to hold back vomit, because as long as it's in there, we've got no appetite. He has already taken it, and if we can give God our deep good things and not our deep bad, we are barring ourselves from being loved by him. (And we're taking his rightful throne to judge worthy and unworthy...whiiiiccchhh is not our job.) What is most important to him now is to have us, to be with us, to know us, and to love us. He is not looking for helpers or servants, he is looking for friends. He is looking for some one to say "Hi my name is ______, what's yours?", instead of "Hi I've heard all these things about you and I already believe them, so please this and this, bless me, amen. #ifyou'resogoodthenproveit. Can you imagine if someone new walked up to you and said that? He longs to be known just for being the real Him, in the same way that we do! (That longing is from him...) My friends, what you will find in Him, is the richest intimacy, gentleness, joy, freedom, being known-ness and satisfaction you've ever encountered. But don't take my word for it. Go ahead, introduce yourself.
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