Venice is amazing! AND HOT. Wow, I guess it's pregame for heading back to Cairo though. This week has been a week of rest, and orientating myself toward the next season- preparing my heart and mind, and yet still even working through some old stuff from the last season! Jesus knew just what I needed when He sent me here to stay with a friend, and our conversations have been long and fruitful, and needed. I've been working through the Cultivate Books by the Jonathan David, and Melissa Helser, and they are deeply helping to heal my heart. It's good to remember that God's intentions are GOOD. That when He invites us into greatness, into stepping above what seeks to hold us down, and into bravery- it often seems like a scary thing, a doubtful thing, and a stupidly grievous thing as it seems like the pull of the invitation is what our hearts were just MADE for, and we feel it. In that moment, our key is not looking into whether we are brave enough to accept, strong enough to proceed, or graceful enough to succeed. Instead the key is to REMEMBER the giver of the invitation. Remember that He is Love, that His intentions are always good, and that his invitation is one to know him more, trust him more, have him more, and follow him in the way of the everlasting. There is no fear in Perfect Love.
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Isn't it interesting how the darkness never overcomes the light?
I mean, isn't it annoying, how persistent the darkness seems sometimes? And The Lord is not afraid, unsure or tired, for in a moment he could end the darkness all together. He is instead more persistent in patience, sending strengthening to the saints over and again. Isn't it interesting that in the toll of both the mundane and the extraordinary change, He does not end darkness all together but strengthens us to keep fighting. What is something you fight for? What does it do to you when you fight for that thing? (defines priority, value, way of life, even Identity) Sometimes the battles fought in our souls, in our hearts, and in our minds are more impossible than any human could be capable of. Sometimes he leads us to places where we will never be strong enough to deal with all that, and actually as we have one hand in the hand of God and one hand in the reality of our lives, we really truly begin to tear. And maybe it actually really tears all the way down to the last thread, and we become truly undone in the midst of our fight. Isn't it interesting how he does that, He the Victorious, He the Lord of Hosts- commander of Armies. This year I’m learning that the victory is actually found in what the fighting does to you, the way that as He trains your muscles, you understand both how infinite his are, and what you were made for. We are not looking for victorious outcomes to physical, circumstantial battles of our heart and soul, and families, though those are granted. We are looking for victory in understanding Him more, in trusting him more, and necessarily in seeing him more. Fighting for Him, and all that he is - his kingdom, our relationships- his family, justice and mercy- his heartbeat, communication - connection as he offers it, these things start to shape us, to move our values, our priorities. They change our identity. And we go from simply bearing the image of God, to joining him in his reality, and BECOMING the image of God. That is JESUS. Isn't it interesting that he would rather continue to strengthen us to keep fighting rather than swoop in and save the day? He is, in every moment, calling us into his reality, to see him, and step into our true identity as the image of God on the earth. In the same way we also, when we were children, were enslaved to the elementary principles[b] of the world. 4 But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, 5 to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. 6 And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” 7 So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God. Galatians 4 It is the Spirit within us, of Jesus himself who was given for us that cries out “Abba! Father!”
It is not weakness. It is not shame. It is the Spirit of Jesus. And what a phenomenal, deep and wide and unsearchable relationship Jesus has with the Father. God does not only give permission for this, but has fundamentally created it this way. And when humanity turned away from the way he created things, he ran after us relentlessly and gave all of himself and all that he had to bring us back to it. This idea that all that Jesus has is now mine (ours) because of his work on the cross- is because God never created it to be any different. He never created us to live outside of the close proximity of an intimate relationship in which we may cry “Abba! Father!” in need of him, and his nearness. Your longing for something greater, your crying out in pain and in weakness, or your need for his nearness is not your shame. It is instead your honor, because you are not only permitted but created to live in intimacy with a Father, who designed you this way. He is the King. All things bow to him, and yet you live as his Beloved and in his favor, because of Jesus in you. It is good to cry out Abba, Father. It was what you were created for, and it is this ability to be in this relationship that will satisfy you. -Toryanna For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. Morning light
The strangest thing keeps happening. Whenever that sun pours through the window or when I walk outside and get brutally blinded by the brightness I'm so not used to, it’s like that light sears directly through to my soul, and it comes, and comes, and comes, and keeps coming. Even when my eyes water with how bright it is, it blares right in anyway. The hand of God keeps reaching into my gray heart and the sharp light keeps cutting away hopelessness and blockading old thought alleys of shame. It presses into the flesh of my heart to forge new understandings and thought paths of truth and hope. Such hope! Yahweh: Breath of Life. I AM: Promise. (I will be who I will be) Shifting SandsFaithful to his name, God has taken my hand and drawn me up. After a season of hard pressing and threatening shifts, I have found a solid ground that I can rely on no matter what. Actually, it’s not a new discovery, I always knew of this solid ground, I just didn't trust it. In a generation where things change so fast, and where truth is so relative, we claim to be hipster, we claim to crave human rights, social justice, freedom, uniqueness, where change is what we take pride in, I found myself looking around at everything surrounding me and beneath my feet, the ground I was taught to stand on was murky. So I revoked my trust. If that was going to shift along with everything else, I couldn’t invest myself in it. See, truly this generation craves an absolute truth. We crave something that won’t change when all the world whirls around us and iPhone 50 Billion is released and and genders alternate. When truth is a bit of Buddhism mixed with Islam plus maybe a tiny belief in Zodiac signs and no one speaks about beliefs for fear of offending someone, and truth today can be different then truth tomorrow based on who I’m with and what I experienced in the last 12 hours, we find ourselves with actually nothing to hold on to. Even if I decide what my truth is, and I stick with it, and someone else does the same, but we differ, then the conclusion is that we can both be wrong, but we’re not both right. That means its fallible. "What is truth?" - PilateWithout at absolute truth, we have no story. Without a story we have no identity, and no purpose. How do you get to know someone? You listen to their story, and it defines them, explains why they are how they are, where they came from, where they are going, their roll to play in the progression. It’s why we study the Revolutionary War and the Civil war. It’s why we study holy scriptures. It’s why we study evolution. It’s why we’re fascinated by family trees, and DNA tracing. If everyone has their own truth, and it really is the truth, then what story is it? When we all come from a different background, where can we put a stake in the ground saying, “this will not change”. What is worth holding on to and not letting go of? Won’t everything just end up changing anyways? Marriages? Friends? Places? Money? Religion? Myself? I change! Always! I can’t even trust me, because ultimately, life happens, I grow and experience new things and hard things, I make new decisions and my perspective is ever changing- and ultimately I am going to die, and then what? After studying the Bible in 2015, and then returning home, I found myself in the midst of all these ideas, which are making up our culture. And the enemy came with 1,000% intensity to my heart to try and push me over and obliterate all the things that I had just learned, in order to convince me that it too, was relative. You experience the peace of Jesus? So also buddhists experience peace when they truly meditate. You experience supernatural healing? So also do the Nepalese when they call upon the Shaman. You encountered a radical God in YWAM? So also lot’s of college age young people are excited about their own causes. It was a season that every YWAMer goes through and now it’s time to settle down and take responsibility for your life. My friends, GOD IS NOT A SEASON. God does not change like all of the things that I can see and perceive with my eyes and mind. God is not man that he could be like one. And responsible is not opposite to radical, and free. Truly, this is what I learned in YWAM the first time, and with it I encountered true freedom, and stability. But like I said, I had not yet learned to make the choice to hold on and not let go, to abide in what is completely counter cultural, a kingdom which cannot be shaken. Instead I let go, because when I looked down and the ground beneath my feet, what I perceived was murky, and I was unsure that it really was what I knew it to be. After all, I am fallible am I not? I am. I should not have doubted because of what I saw. Poor judgment there. God is not fallible. And this is how I know- I tried without him. I tried to make logical sense of everything, I tried to believe the expectation that I was told, I tried to do it their way, every way. I believed their truths, all the truths, and I ended up depressed and with serious anxiety. I was dead inside, nothing was good anymore, and every thing seemed pointless, and it was. Why? There was no absolute story, no where to get to, no unshifting ground. ROck of AgesAs I enter into the third and final quarter of my bible school here in Montana, I am beginning to be able to make sense of all of this, and the healing that has taken place in this school has built foundations in my heart that go way farther and way deeper than I can see. God has taught me that when I look down and it seems that I am standing in murky water, not to trust my heart because above all things my heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9) and instead, to go back to the story, the story that has spanned thousands of years, and millions and millions of people, the story of God’s faithfulness. He has done the impossible….so many times.
So the seasons change, and there is a time for everything under the sun.
But all is not meaningless because we have a story, a story that doesn't change and that doesn't depend on us. Each season amounts to this: To know God more. I AM YHVH who brought you out of the land of Egypt.
Open your mouth wide and I will fill it. Psalm 81:10 There is no wanting in Jesus. There is nothing held back, There is no exclusion Nothing earned. What do you want? Open your mouth wide and I will fill it Come. Gaze upon my plenty, Gaze upon my beauty, Do not stand outside, do not look longingly Come, and take what you want. _______________________________________________________________ There is a marked difference between defensive clinging and offensive taking hold of. One is muted, pushed down, white knuckled, desperate, and soft in need of hope. The other is messy, strong with objection, with questions with desire to see justice. Both are honest, but one is more so, and whose mess is the very ingredient of break through. It is this: Hold Nothing Back. In order to take what you want, you must give away what you don’t in order for capacity to be there. This is the Christian walk- Choosing always to believe that the cross was sufficient and strong enough to bear the weight of sin, and to continually throw what is not good, pure, holy, kind, or gentle upon it. The cross is sufficient for the mess and it’s volume. Let it be loud. Let it touch those around, let the problem be real and don’t say sorry. Don’t say you don’t want it, yours or theirs, for the kingdom of God strengthens weak knees and seeks the lost, upholds the cause of the weak. Jesus is found in the navigation. Jesus is found in the mess because the mess prohibits people from remaining in their own bubbles. A mess touches everyone whether they want it or not, and it forces humans to be human, to be vulnerable, to need God, and to need each other. Together is where and how we see and know and experience God, for he is a God of relationship and this is what He desires above all else. So come. Hold nothing back, and take what you came for. If you crave intimacy, take it. To be held and know you’re loved, come and sit a while on Papa’s lap and listen to the stories of old. Listen to his voice and watch as his increase unfolds even from Abraham, on forward for it will have no end. Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!Happy Valentines Day! It’s time for a newsletter, YAY! I write to you all from the Lakeside Montana YWAM base. I've been out here since September, studying the bible in the School of Biblical Studies. This school is phenomenal, and the foundation that it gives is so essential to knowing God. I have been blown away by the Gospel, the true Gospel, and it's relevance to today. There have been some things that I have gained clarity on since leaving home, that I was previously unsure of after my World Religions class in college, the most important of these being that the Gospel is true, and it is unshakeable. We are called to follow Jesus, and that means even to the cross, and those who do this, who give their whole lives to following him, are promised an eternal inheritance, and an incredible hope. It's not easy to follow, in fact, most times it means persecution and even death, but if we have died with Christ when he took our sins on the cross, then also we live with him, and we do not die, but we are instead eternally in his presence. The glory in Heaven waiting for us is far greater than present afflictions. This week we have finished the entire New Testament (save Matthew, we do that book last!) and we've got our final test and papers due on the life of Jesus, the implications of the Gospel, and the call for the church, which I feel I could write for weeks and weeks on. Next week begins Genesis and our study of the Old Testament! As we head into the big Old Testament books, I realize that I had originally thought that winter was going to be long and terrible because of how much snow they get out here, and the clouds (you Michiganders know!). Instead, I've ended up completely changing my mind and deciding that Montana, is probably the best place you could spend a winter if you are going to spend a winter...in the snow. The mountains are beautiful and the trees are beautiful, and the frost and fog make for crazy magnificent and beautiful scenery, even on the cloudy days. My heart position has changed from one of anxious and worrisome anticipation, to contented gratitude, because as it turns out, Jesus is really faithful, and he knows what I need more than I do. It is far easier to want to be inside studying when it's snowing outside and inside you're accompanied by a fire and a mug of coffee, than if it were sunny and warm, beckoning you to come and play. I have made a commitment to keep weekly and daily updates available on Instagram, and I hope to begin a video blog, just as a little in on the daily/weekly life of study and serving. You'll be able to find these vlogs here on the website, or on facebook and Instagram. [ @pursuing_kingdom_culture ] Looking Ahead
SBS is finished at the end of June 2018. I am currently praying about direction at the end of it, I have a few options, and some further schooling that I can pursue, so if you're the praying type, I could use prayer for after SBS direction! As far as the rest of SBS, I still need to raise $5,100 to finish out the rest of my time studying. God has provided in mighty ways even in simply getting me to Montana, so I am confident in his abilities. If you would like to donate to me, or to come along side me as a monthly sponsor, feel free to send me an email, or at the top of this page there are tabs both for donations and for contacting me. Thats all for now! Thank you once again for your support and your prayers. In the next year we shall know God more than we have thus far! To read more on the details of what my studies look like, click read more below. Psalm 57 According to the tune of Do Not Destroy, of David when he fled from Saul in the cave. "Be merciful to me Oh God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of you wings I will take refuge... I cry out to God Most High who fulfills his purpose for me... My soul is in the midst of lions, ... They set a net for my steps, My soul is bowed down..." [selah] David is bowed low. In the caves as he wanders through this intense season of damp, dark places pleading for his life, wondering if all the words that Samuel ever spoke about his coming kingship ended here, he prays. He utters prayer after prayer to God Most High, his breath misting in front of him, balled up in fetal position pleading to God with tears, whispering prayer after prayer. At every moment and every turn the hounds that hunt his life are hot on his trail. All of this- The season of caves : Of darkness where doubt grows, Of cold where loneliness lurks, Of wet where one finds them self uncomfortable- All this for a man after God's own heart, of whose line the Messiah descended, the leader and great king of the chosen people. Before he was king- the season of caves was necessary. The more his life was pursued, the more he needed God to save him. The longer he spent in the caves, the more God met him there. The more David sought God, the more David gave God. The lower David was brought, the lower and the closer God came; Face to face like CPR to raise him back up out of his cold sweat and fear. David needed to know God this way. He needed to know reliance, to know a God who came that close, who didn't let go, whose hand held David's entire being no matter where David found himself. David needed to know this deepest and most in order to be who he was called and anointed to be. It shaped the way he ruled his kingdom because he was set on God. Nothing else caught Davids eye or satisfied him like the Glory of God because he had spent so many nights sleeping on God's chest wandering amidst the caves-the rise and fall of God's breathing, Davids only notion as to whether or not he was still alive. This was where David belonged. This is where I belong. If I cannot know or trust that my foundation is the hand of Yahweh himself and that no matter where or how I find myself I cannot run outside of the perimeter of his hand which is his love and favor, then I do not yet know Yahweh. If he is flimsy enough to be changed by me and my current emotions or view of myself , then I am not ready to carry the kingdom of my anointing and calling, because ultimately it is his kingdom, his anointing, and his calling and He doesn't need me. He wants me. He doesn't want the kingdom if I don't come with it. He wants me. I must know that the nights in the cave are not a burden to Him, for the more David knew Him, the more David gave Him. Every night that cold and darkness and discomfort force me to sleep on Papa's chest, I am that much closer, He gets that much more of me. [Let the Lamb receive the reward of His suffering] The rise and fall of his chest is all the air I'll ever need, and the beat of his heart is all that will ever sustain me. "My heart is steadfast O God, My heart is steadfast! Awake my entirety, Bring me to life, for I will awake the dawn with Melody, with singing and music and worship. Before this darkness is over I will awake the Dawn And I'll sing praises to you among the nations For your steadfast love is great to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds." [selah] Every Blessing. A 5 part series on Ephesians 1:3-14 Ephesians 1:3 reads Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places. EVERY spiritual blessing in the heavenly places. Then the Word then goes on to list specific blessings which fall under this category of ‘Every Blessing’ Today: The First spiritual blessing is that God chose you to be holy and blameless. (1:4) Paul was writing this to a young church whose former lives included every form of painful sin that one could encounter. They’d made a mess in every area you can think of, child sacrifice, orgies, prostituted themselves, cut themselves in worship of a carved idol, the list goes on…all things that are extreme measures to fill the emptiness in their hearts, things that are traumatic, and things which left them completely wounded and warped. And in their dirtiest moment, God set his eyes on them and said “I have chosen them to be holy and blameless.” And when God speaks a word it is finished. So in that exact moment, they were holy and blameless. There was no striving that needed to be done, There was no fixing, no earning. God simply said “I see you. I see your pain and your emptiness, I see your striving, and I have chosen you. No longer are you left to yourself, no longer are you dirty, but you are mine, you are set apart, and your track record is clean [blameless] by my blood. In the middle of your sin and filth I choose you." Part 1 Today: Predestined For Adoption (Eph. 1:5) Children who have been adopted have also experienced rejection, and rejection on the deepest level from the very people who are supposed to love them most. They know what it is to have been left. God has always had it in mind to give belonging. The Ephesian church that Paul was writing to, was a whole bunch of adults, who were really just broken children inside, that hadn’t experienced family or belonging, but instead they had only experienced the rejection that worshipping idols brings. Idols not far off from idols our society has today. Instagram, sports, food, jobs, reputation, money…anything you love more than you love your Maker. Idols that tell you that if you fall into them, if you love them, they’ll love you and serve you back, and then proceed to eat you up, spit you out, and trample you in the dust; left. Papa gives real love, and He gives belonging. He had it in mind before the beginning. You have always been predestined to be brought in by adoption, as a son now, as a daughter. You have a family, and a really kind Father. Welcome home. Part 2 Today: Redemption Through His Blood (Eph. 1:7) Redemption [n] : To buy back. (Specifically referring to slavery) In the beginning God created the earth and it was good and beautiful. It held land, sea, amphibians, mammals, birds, humans, trees, plants, seasons, night and day. It was good and beautiful. Humans were made in God’s image, and God LOVED them. He loved them so much that He created them to have perfect union and communion with the triune God. He pursued them, he walked with them every night, at dusk, and they spoke of things far and wide, deep and glorious. One day, being deceived by Satan himself, they chose to walk away from God, with a new found fear that God may have been holding out on them the whole time. And death entered the scene. Darkness, angst, deception and injustice, and the worst- separation from the One whom their soul loved. And God let them go, he let them walk away. Because love is not love without choice. And the depth and width and length and glory of a Father wept bitterly, and was grieved. So grieved by the separation was He, and so sovereign and kind, that he himself sent his own son, an extension of his very own self, to be scourged and crushed by the weight of a choice and its consequences. He did not place on to his bride whom he loved, the weight of what she had done, but took it himself, and BOUGHT BACK WITH HIS OWN BLOOD, what was ALREADY HIS. He didn’t have to do this, Satan is under God’s authority, and no matter how far humanity had roamed, it could not have walked out of the hand of God. Even Satan himself is in the hand of God, even when Adam and Eve chose to walk away, they were still his, because he made them. But God came, walked in the dust and bought with his own blood what was already his, to show that He loves, and He redeems. In the book of Ephesians, the church was in the midst of so much spiritual slavery, amidst mystery cults, divination, and Greco-Roman mythology, they were slaves to the next thing that told them it would fill them. Greco-Roman gods were fickle and completely unpredictable, leaving a fearful humanity to walk on eggshells afraid for what disaster may befall them next on account of someone's bad day on Mount Olympus. They were running, working, striving, worshipping all the things that were empty empty lovers, desperate for freedom, and gasping for a breath of real love. In this God says, “I have bought you back from slavery. No longer do you need to serve these things. I love you and I have bought you (who were already mine since time began) back to me, with BLOOD. With blood I have paid and it can not be undone. Do not be afraid of being left, I have made you mine and proved myself by the cross. You do not need to keep striving, no need to keep running around like it all depends on you. I have freed you from such slavery.” What a relief. Part 3 Dearest Family, and Favorite Friends, I returned home from Mexico to the Great Lakes and the beloved Mitten in August 2015, making this month exactly two years of being home. I’ve spent the past two years working, attending Crossroads Bible Church, playing volleyball and completing my Associate’s degree at GRCC. I have spent the summer thoughtfully considering different options in literally any and every direction—internships, universities, missions programs, nannying programs, language programs, the list goes on. I have goals of getting a Bachelor’s degree in Spanish, with minors in anthropology and linguistics, for playing volleyball, for starting a retreat center, for recording an album, and for starting a business, but as I’ve spent time praying and waiting for direction throughout the summer, God has slowly revealed to me what the next thing is. So this September, I’m heading out to Lakeside, Montana for a School of Biblical Studies. This was a hard decision for me to make, as it is a YWAM school, and seemingly, it has taken all of the last two years and not a day less to recuperate from the first time I went to YWAM. To go back into YWAM is a confusing action to take and one that doesn’t seems to be part of my plan, but what’s new, right? In the most recent months, God has been very clear with me that training—for where we are going, as a church, as a nation, and in my relationship with Him—is necessary. He has affirmed in various manners that although this YWAM thing makes no sense to me right now, He sees the future, and He knows that I am going to need what will come of this Bible school in order to move into leadership in the next season. It is a time of a equipping. This I know is true; all things that last are built on a solid foundation. I am to be a voice calling out, a siren, a boat rocker, an agent of change, and a leader of this generation. The School of Biblical Studies (SBS) is an intense nine month program of inductive Bible study, averaging 45 hours a week of homework, and then some when you include class lectures. By the end of nine months, I will have read the Bible five times through, and will have created my own sort of commentary for each and every book. There is a specific process of study that I’ll be following including researching Hebrew culture, and studying the historical and literary context. During this time, I’ll be living on the YWAM base in Lakeside, and though there will not be a specific outreach during these nine months, I will be serving the base with chores, meal prep/clean up, leading worship, and so on. "You can't give them something unless you have something to give. You can't show them the love of God unless you first have experienced the love of God, so you can't tell them who God is and what He's done unless you first know that. The Bible shows us who Jesus is, shows us what He's done, shows us what the Gospel is, and shows us who WE ARE in Christ. " More than that, I am excited to know HIM. Knowing God for who He really is revolutionizes the way that I speak and understand, the way I think, the way I relate to others, the way I lead worship, and the way that I live.
This Bible school is going to cost 9,000 dollars for tuition and room and board. Including travel to and from with a return home over Christmas, and the cost of living for things like toothpaste and gas, when all things are added up, the total cost is going to be something closer to 12,000 dollars. I know right? Gulp. But here’s the deal. Most of you, if not all of you, have been personal witnesses to the way that God has provided before. Remember Israel? $2,000 in 2 days?! I mean, come on!! These testimonies demonstrate God’s faithfulness, but they also strongly reflect the strength of the community that surrounds me. You have all been so willing to lend a hand and also so faithful in raising me up. As the saying goes, “It takes a village!”. I thank you for that. Because God’s word does not go out and come back unfulfilled, it is out of obedience to what He’s spoken to me that I am appealing to you for your support and financial help. My deadline for the first 4,000 dollars is September 18th, 2017, and it would honor me if you would consider partnering with me once again. I’d love even to know that there are people who believe in what I’m doing, and who are praying, even if you can’t donate monetarily right now. The best way to stay updated and to donate is to visit my blog at http://pursuingkingdomculture.weebly.com/ Also, along with the PKC Facebook page, I have created a new PKC instagram account @pursuing_kingdom_culture where you will also find updates, encouragements, raffle prizes, and occasional free giveaways! This is with hopes to create more of a partnership between us, and to give you a window into my life and this next upcoming season of bible. Give a shout if you know that bible is GOOD STUFF and you want it IN YOUR LIFE! WOOHOO!! I laid on my bed, and stared at the ceiling as hot angry tears burned down my cheeks and pooled in my ears. Jesus peered at me from across our coffee table, and raised an eyebrow in concern. His eyes were deep today, and genuine. The light from the window glinted in them, and them seemed infinite. "How are you?" he asked. I looked down. I was angry. I was hurt. Things were impossible. Everything was impossible. All I wanted was to love him, but things were impossible. I stared angrily at my ceiling some more, coming back to my room. I inspected the tops of my closet doors, and the cobwebs in the window. I thought about random unimportant things. I came back to trying to figure out how to answer him, and another angry tear burned down my cheek. I turned away again. I'd rather not. I'd rather anything else. Maybe I didn't want Him, if this was how it was going to be. Somehow He wasn't saying anything with His mouth, but there were songs that I was hearing, songs saying things like "Just to be close to you, just to walk next to you, this is my one thing..." and "Jesus, oh how we love you, Jesus, there's no other that we desire." "I have got to have you..." "YES!" I said out loud frustratedly, and startled the air particles in my room. "Yes, I want you." (You know this.) He watched His hands swirl his empty mug around on its edge like a top on the table. My answer was abrasive, and he waited in silence. And then I decided, that I really did. I knew what anger does, and I didn't want it. It is much better to be hurt (and healed) than bitter. Yes I wanted him more. JESUS! I bursted out. J E S U S there's none other I desire. J E S U S I am ANGRY, I am hurt. J E S U S I am confused. Frustrated. JESUS I have lost hope. I have forgotten why I love you. And as soon as the words were out, I shook. I tried to cover that I had written them. I was not hiding, it was pain. I did not want Him to have those words. Those were terrible words, and they hurt him, and me like nothing else can. "I can't even remember why I love you..." I lifted my hand from covering the page, and turned away from it. It was out in open for the eyes of an all seeing God, and I did not want to look at it. I wept. Oh my dear dear Papa how could I forget us? How did I get here? Perhaps I could imagine a child saying this to a parent in a messy moment, or even one spouse to another, though so very hurtful, but it didn't even come close this bitterness. My sweet Jesus, who was only ever gentle, just and kind, who had all the good things for me, and the most pure intentions, the one who knew me and had, the one who had never walked away. The one who even still, let me scour His entirety with my skeptical eyes until I was satisfied, half of Him wincing in pain that I could think that He might not be for me, and the other half of him unafraid- saying "look all you want dear, you won't find fear or doubt, insecurity or pain in me." "I have forgotten why I love you..." He looked up, and blinked. He nodded silently, taking it for what it was. He met my eyes and swallowed. His mug was empty but He did not get up and leave. He did not even want to. I wept. I faced the wall on the corner of my bed in a ball. And I was astounded. He took it! He took it. He knew it was coming when he asked how I was! It was why He asked. He knew it was poisoning my stomach and that I needed to vomit it out, but He didn't even guard himself from me at all when He asked how I was. Instead He left his heart out to be wounded. WHO AM I OH GOD, that you would set aside your magnitude and humble yourself to be insulted and even wounded for the sake of my health and my spiritual well being? Who am I that you would come and enter my world to sit across from me at a coffee shop, to know me, to love me, and to make sure my stomach is alright...knowing that I would reject you? Who am I that you love me? (Enough to die for me?) Astounded. He is a humble God. He did not keep his heart or his care or his wholeness from me when he asked me how I was, even knowing the price of his vulnerable heart. Instead he gazed at me intently over the cup which he had already drank. Astounded. He drank the cup of the punishment, the pain and wretched things that come of sin and a fallen world, when He died on the cross, and now today, he still drinks the cup on our behalf. It was gone before I spoke. He is the same as He has always been, which means the power and the magnitude of everything that happened around that cross, is still so so very alive today and moving on our behalf. What a consistent God. He drank the cup today, and left his heart open and vulnerable, He drank the cup on the cross and left his body open and vulnerable, visible on a very tangible level to the whole world, his laceration. He did it for the sake of togetherness. Oh to learn relationship from the God who created it. Togetherness is the core of our God, to know and be known, to love and be loved. And nothing stops him. Nothing can keep him away. Not even vomit. I've never known a love like this. Intimacy means holding nothing back. Jesus doesn't even want us to hold back vomit, because as long as it's in there, we've got no appetite. He has already taken it, and if we can give God our deep good things and not our deep bad, we are barring ourselves from being loved by him. (And we're taking his rightful throne to judge worthy and unworthy...whiiiiccchhh is not our job.) What is most important to him now is to have us, to be with us, to know us, and to love us. He is not looking for helpers or servants, he is looking for friends. He is looking for some one to say "Hi my name is ______, what's yours?", instead of "Hi I've heard all these things about you and I already believe them, so please this and this, bless me, amen. #ifyou'resogoodthenproveit. Can you imagine if someone new walked up to you and said that? He longs to be known just for being the real Him, in the same way that we do! (That longing is from him...) My friends, what you will find in Him, is the richest intimacy, gentleness, joy, freedom, being known-ness and satisfaction you've ever encountered. But don't take my word for it. Go ahead, introduce yourself. |